As you most likely know, Social Anxiety is the underlying cause of Selective Mutism. As parents we feel helpless and scared (Yes, we have our own anxiety) how to talk to our children about it and how to empower them not to let it have control over them.
More often than not we don’t explain what is causing them not to speak at school, on the playground or with friends and family. They know something is wrong, but they don’t understand what it is.
In fact when asked why they don’t speak in public venues, most common answers given by kids who have SM is “I don’t know!” or “I’m scared.”
OK, but… what should we do so they do know?
Explaining to our children what anxiety is in age appropriate terms helps with demystifying it. If done correctly we can help them believe that they have power over their anxiety and not the other way around.
I know, I know… I know what you mean.
I rolled my eyes and sighed at the idea of teaching my son to take charge of his anxiety too. WTF am I supposed to say? What do I know about anxiety? Heck! I wish somebody explained it to me, especially that one time when I… well…, that’s a story for another day.
But watch my video where I’m explaining my then almost five year old son what anxiety is.
I intentionally didn’t edit, polish or alter this video so you can hear the uncertainty, nervousness and worry in my voice. I had no idea whether or not it’s going to work, but I was determined to do whatever it takes to help my son with his anxiety. I wanted to give him clarity, empower him, make it less serious and scale it down as much as I could.
I want you to know that feeling uncertain and even clueless at times is OK. What’s important is to start the conversation going in a comfortable, easy to digest way. It will take the correct course once you get started.
After only two weeks, my son was talking about his anxiety very casually, he even drew a picture of it on a big construction paper, hung it on the wall and few days later with the help of my husband they burnt it into ashes in our backyard. Yep… true story.
I mean, this last step of burning ritual is very optional, I’d say borderline weird, and I made my husband to see his own therapist (just kidding) about it. But I’m getting sidetracked here. (Focus… breath… ) OK, I’m good now.
I want to be clear. Explaining my son what anxiety is wasn’t the only thing we did when we tried to resolve his SM. There is more to this process than just telling him a fun and interactive story. I will talk about it in my upcoming posts very soon. But for now I want to bring your attention to this crucial and necessary step that frankly, every human being needs to learn.
Later I found out that by doing so I also helped to improve his emotional intelligence (you know… that thing everyone is talking about nowadays. Turns out millions of people are lacking EQ, go figure…)
My son is thirteen now. We resolved his SM completely four days after his fifth birthday. I have been keeping a close eye on him all these years and he’s had no SM symptoms, often gets in trouble for talking, is highly intelligent, a great friend, strong athlete and a confident, well rounded teenager.
Now… of course each child is different and likes different stories, cartoons and songs. You as a parent know your child better than anyone. You know what makes them giggle, curious, excited and happy. My story in the video may not work for your kiddo, but I am certain it will give you some simple ideas and will get your creative juices going.
One last thing I want to emphasize is that when it comes to helping your child to resolve their SM, time is NOT your friend. I’m not sure who’s friend it is really, but I’m getting sidetracked again.
Here is the harsh reality. The best time and highest chance of completely resolving children’s selective mutism is when they are 4-6 years old. As they grow and develop stronger personalities it gets increasingly difficult to help them with their anxiety. There is also this thing called “addiction to avoidance” which gets rooted deeper into them. We can talk about that in more detail and in plain English, which I prefer over stern and depressing terminology. I have a hunch you do too.
If you read this far I know you are a parent determined to cure your child’s selective mutism, not just make progress year to year. You want your kiddo to fully enjoy their precious childhood years and grow into healthy and happy young adults. You want to get rid of this anxiety that’s got a hold on your baby.
I know this because just like you, that was my goal, my dream, my whatever-it-takes determination. I knew there had to be something or someone I could learn from to beat this thing, to defeat it. And I did. So can you! In fact, the only people who can do it with the right help are the parents. Everyone else are a much needed help, a great bonus.
Check out my unedited, raw and full of hope video that made a big difference in our journey of kicking anxiety’s butt. Oh, and what an awesome scoring a Goal…!!!! that was!
